Kalla Yoga 2

Continued from Part

I need to hurry up and launch my own brand of yoga before the inevitable yoga backlash sets in. It must be distinctive, eye-catching and easily patented. More than a set of exercises. A whole way of life, which will require many accessories. There must be a way to set the practitioner apart instantly as a being of special quality, someone not to be messed with. A distinctive mark on the forehead would be best. It must have a touch of India to be authentic, but not turn people off by being too real. Practical needs of people must be addressed, for without that you can not satisfy their spiritual hunger. We will require all disciples to be well groomed. The Unshaved are not welcome. My own brand of yoga is

Kalla Yoga
Let us begin by addressing the most pressing problem facing our society now. I speak not of moral decay, but of tooth decay. You all must switch to the patented RajDanthi toothpaste. Made from burnt charcoal of authentic coconut shells grown in the Paulu-Aulu island of Tahiti, it will fill the pores of your teeth with an ancient absorbent formula which will remove harmful substances without killing the natural bacteria and prevent tooth decay.Yes, but Sri Sri Sri Guruji, I have a tooth ache now. What can I do to get rid of it?Hm.. I may need to teach you an ancient exercise that you can only perform under my direct supervision. You are not allowed to teach it to anyone else. You must purchase our patented “Lal Pathar. This is a Solid Red Brick baked from mud mixed by the feet of polynesian virgins, burnt in the fire of Sugar Maple Logs from Vermont. ($122.49 on Amazon.com)
Moodha Kriya
Red BrickPlace the Brick on a table, on its side for maximum impact. Stand two feet away from the table facing it in Mountain Posture. Place your arms behind you, fingers entwined in Jnana Mudra. Close your eyes. Take as deep a breath as you can. Breathing out, bow down as fast as you possibly can-really explosively supplicating yourself to the divine reality until your forehead contacts the Brick. You will experience sensations that you haven’t felt before. ( At least not since your last visit to the dentist.) Raise your head back to mountain posture and repeat as needed. It might be a good idea to keep a towel handy to clean the Brick after each contact. You understand now why it is colored red. If performed correctly this should totally distract you from your toothache. Repeat until it does. After enough repetitions, you might even think it is a good deal to take that summer course in Sanskrit (only $4400) at Harvard. At the end of the course you will know the Devanagari alphabet. Surely, that is enough to make you an expert on anything Indian, since you learned the alphabet at Harvard, no less. I hear that the fellow teaching it has only sued his own students twice, so is a better bet than Bikram Choudhari. Veritas.

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