An Almanack

We were just leaked a white paper on the situation in Pakistan written by up and coming analysts who used to man the South Asia Desk at State. Now they write in a blog named The Washington- Not!. For reasons of modesty they wish to remain anonymous. But they acknowledge the influence of the ponderous and inebriated Malarkey penned by a more senior former State Department official (from whom they hope to get a job some day).

Our first proposal counters the accusation that we abandon our allies in their hour of need. People forget how well we treated Noriega: we let him keep his uniform. In particular, we allow Musharraf to keep his uniform as well:

It’s all about the uniform

1. Mr. Musharaff should accept a self-imposed exile in the US. He can make it official by signing a contract on the stationery of the US Bureau of Indian Affairs-it is part of the Department of the Interior. Unlike in Saudi Arabia, we don’t have a Royal family here to mediate. But Donald Trump would be glad to broker the deal. Mushie can bring the splendid uniforms he loves so much. They will come in handy in his new job as a doorman at the Plaza hotel in Manhattan, owned by Trump. He may have to do a better job dyeing his hair though: the perfectly symmetrical gray patches on either side are meant to make him look distinguished. But instead it looks like some birds pooped on him. Musharaf should be made aware that grooming standards will be somewhat higher in his new career. The tips are good though; he ought to make more money as a doorman than from the sales of his autobiography. Make sure that he is aware of this point during negotiations.

President General Rani

The other alternative is to find a way for Mushraf to continue in power. The main issue seems to be what he should wear in this case. “Musharraf can be president in civvies: Benazir Bhutto” says a headline in the Daily Times. Was it civvies or skivvies? “Musharraf in uniform unacceptable: Benazir” says another headline. Musharraf’s own spokesman is floating the idea he will “shed his uniform” after re-election. We feel that Mr. Musharraf must wear something: the thought of him disrobing for his inaugural is unappetizing to us. Here is our proposal:

2. Musharaff can continue as President if he will wear only pink dresses from now on. Pink floral dresses with ruffles and a modest head covering. And he can continue as Army Chief concurrently if he takes the title General Rani . The previous General Rani was Zia Ul-Haq’s mistress, but she just will have to give up her throne: the fate of the nation is at stake. By combining the positions of President, General and Rani of Pakistan, we preserve the `unity of command’ that is so badly needed in this critical juncture. Pakistani leaders have claimed various titles before: the business-like Chief Executive (Musharraf) or the fearsome Chief Martial Law Administrator (Ayub Khan and Zia Ul-Haq). But clearly these were weak titles. They lacked the gravitas of “President” and the historical resonance of “Rani”. Also, it does away with annoying little details like a constitution or an election. For, a Rani rules by divine authority. OK, in this case the authority of Condi Devi, but good enough.

Each proposal has its strength and weakness. On the whole we recommend the latter strategy as the least disruptive.

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This entry was posted on Saturday, August 25th, 2007 at 9:52 pm and is filed under Humor, Pakistan, Politics, Desi, History, General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.